Lobsters and Juvie
by Tarafina
Summary: "D'you think if the boy lobster gets eaten, the girl lobster will cry? What do lobster tears look like in water?" PxR, AxB


**Title**: Lobsters and Juvie  
**Category**: Glee  
**Genre**: Humor/Romance  
**Ship**: Rachel/Puck, Brittney/Artie  
**Rating**: Teen  
**Warning(s)**: Coarse Language  
**Prompt**: Brittany: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.  
Puck: What? Okay, now how do you know that?  
Brittany: Because she's your lobster.  
(anyone): Oh, she's goin' somewhere.  
Brittany: Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws... – puckrachel drabble meme  
**Word Count**: 1,884  
**Summary**: "D'you think if the boy lobster gets eaten, the girl lobster will cry? What do lobster tears look like in water?"

**_Lobsters and Juvie  
_**-1/1-

Puck is pretty sure that any minute now, he's gonna take one of the choir room chairs and bash that douche's head in. It's pretty much a guaranteed stint in Juvie, if not worse, but he's starting to think it's a really good idea.

See, Rachel's got a new boyfriend. He can't be bothered to remember his name (it's Kyle, what a douchey fucking name, right?) but he knows this dude is bad news. Because he smiles a lot. Yeah, he said it. He fucking _smiles _way too fucking much to be worth her time. Maybe it's a stupid reason to hate him, but that's it. That's the only reason. No, it's not because maybe Rachel should be directing that crazy ass grin of hers at _him _and not Kyle. It's not because he and Rachel have better chemistry, or that whenever she tells him he's not a Lima Loser or that he'll make something of himself his stomach legit does back flips. It's not because sometimes she takes his hand when they sing on stage, for no reason except to hold it, and he feels like that stupid little boy that just realized girls don't have cooties and they smell nice. It's not 'coz whenever she comes over, his ma grins at him like he's finally doing something _right _in life, or when he drives her home she sings and dances in the seat next to him and it's fuckin' cute. It's just 'coz Kyle smiles like some pedo at a kid's park. That's it.

His fingers grip the edge of the seat he's slouched in when Kyle-the-Douche reaches out and tucks Rachel's soft, dark hair behind her ear. When he strokes her cheek and she bats her eyes at him like it's fucking charming, he's already in that place where there's no sound and he's watching himself like an out of body experience right before he does something seriously stupid. Like steal an ATM with his mom's station wagon – not his brightest moment. And he might be grinning, 'coz some part of him really wants to see blood and know that it's Kyle's, but he's also thinking… Eggo thieves _suck_.

Before he can go through with his awesomely retarded plan, Brittney's standing in front of him. She's all big eyes and blonde ponytail and she's got her hands up like she thinks she can actually stop him. If it were almost anybody else, he'd have shoved right past her and rearranged Kyle-the-Douche's face with his chair. But this was Brittney; sweet, dumb, innocent Brittney. So he calms down, 'coz freaking her out or pushing past her would be like kicking a kid in the stomach and stealing their candy.

He's kind of panting and his chest is heaving and he really, _really _wants to do some damage, but then Brittney's reaching for him, her hands on his shoulders. "It's okay… She'll crawl back to you."

And then he's confused. 'Coz, does she even know what she's talking about? _Rachel Berry_? Crawl back to _him? _She'd rather burn Broadway to the ground than take a hit to her pride like that. If there's anybody more stubborn than him, it's Rachel. Yeah, they're friends now and maybe they flirt a lot and maybe he's kissed her a few times when he shouldn't have and he'd really like to forget that time he drunk-dialed her and professed his undying love for her and her knee-socks, but she's still crazy. And maybe it shouldn't be adorable that she talks at speeds no human should or uses words that he has to look up in his pocket-dictionary (shut the fuck up, he only takes it out when he _has _to) or when she snaps her hair over her should and stomps out of room to make some kind of diva-related point. But it is. To him. Maybe the only idiot in all of Lima that actually enjoys all that insanity. But does she know or care about that? No. 'Coz she's got _Kyle…_

"The fuck are you smoking, Brittney?" he snaps, glaring at the blonde. He maybe doesn't feel like cracking Kyle-the-Douche's skull open anymore, or he's at least realized he probably _shouldn't_, but just once he wishes Brittney made sense.

She smiles at him like _he's _the poor idiot. "Rachel… You wanted to kill the boy with the creepy smile because he's with Rachel…"

"Knew his smile was creepy," he mutters in reply, kind of smirking now. "Somebody should warn, Berry," he decides, brows raised seriously.

Artie rolls his eyes. "Y'know, before glee you would've said they were perfect for each other… Rachel and her crazy smile found their soul mate."

"I'd never use the word soul mate, Wheels… And legit, if you're getting laid, you should never use it again either." He glances from Kyle and Rachel down to Brittney's dude. "Where the hell'd you even come from?"

"Sneak attack," he says simply, shrugging.

"Gonna hafta equip you with a bell or something..."

"Like you'd have heard me? You were raging out a minute ago… Brittney was worried. She thought we were gonna have something out of a CSI crime scene if she didn't stop you."

He snorts, wants to argue, but then he's still holding a chair in his hands, so he can't really say much. "Whatever. I'd be doing us all a favor… Rachel gets _nuts _when she's got a boyfriend… More than usual, anyway." He glares over at Kyle, who's got that creepy smile still while Rachel ducks her head and giggles. He really hates how his chest hurts right now. Not that it _means _anything…

Artie and Brittney look at each other and then share a smile before she's looking back up at Puck like she fucking pities him. And he's really ready to get the hell out of the choir room and throw some geek in a dumpster to make himself feel better. He wonders where Jacob Ben Israel is… Little creep always deserves it.

When he sidesteps them, ready to do just that, Brittney gets in his way again. She sighs. "It's okay, Puck… We know you're just mad 'coz Rachel's got the fuzzies for him."

"The fuck are the fuzzies?"

She grins, rocking to and fro with a soft smile. "When your insides get all warm and fuzzy 'coz somebody makes you feel good…" She looks over at Artie. "You make me fuzzy."

Artie grinned proudly. "You make _me_, Fuzzy."

"Holy fuck, I'm gonna bash my _own _head in," Puck mutters, throwing his head back.

"No, it's okay…" Brittney reaches out and pats his arm. "Rachel's fuzzies will go away! I promise… Those fuzzies—" she points over to the couple. "They go away fast. It's like… When Santana meets a new boy and she plays with him for a few weeks… Then her fuzzies go away and she comes back to me…" She screwed up her nose. "Except right now all my fuzzies are for Artie, so she has to wait… It's not our time yet."

He's not sure if she's more bat-shit than Rachel or maybe kind of a genius. 'Coz that's almost, kind of profound.

"She means Rachel's feelings for Kyle are just temporary… She'll be over it in a few weeks," Artie explains, even as he smiles gently up at his girlfriend.

"Yeah, the fuzzies fade and then she sees his smile's really creepy and she moves on and focuses on glee and winning and then she knows that the old fuzzies, for that one really special boy, they never really went away…"

His jaw ticks. "We're not talkin' about Hudson now, are we? 'Coz then I'm gonna have to get two chairs and break _two _faces… And I'm pretty sure that means prison and not juvie…"

Brittney rolls her eyes, blowing out an exasperated breath. Reaching out, she takes his shoulders again and gives them a shake "Hang in there, it's gonna happen."

Yeah, he's pretty sure she's giving him false hope, and he hates that shit. "What?" He cocks a brow, crossing his arms over his chest. "Okay, now how do you know that?"

With all seriousness, she tells him, "Because she's your lobster."

Artie nods like this is really big news. "Oh, she's goin' somewhere."

The fuck?

Brittney nods, but pouts when she sees his confusion. "Come on, guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life." She brightens excitedly. "You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws…" She looks at Artie then, worriedly. "D'you think if the boy lobster gets eaten, the girl lobster will cry? What do lobster tears look like in water?"

Artie blinks. "I'm sure the boy and girl lobster live a really long life and die old and together…"

Bullshit, Noah thinks. But Brittney smiles like Artie would never lie about something so important.

Turning back toward him, Brittney nods again. "Rachel's gonna grow old and die with you, Puck… In New York, when you're covered in steak spots and her hair is grey and you've had a bunch of lobster babies and they've grown up too."

"Steak spots?" he asks, 'coz he got stuck about half-way through that sentence.

"I think she means liver spots," Artie explains.

But Brittney shakes her head. "I don't like liver. I like steak."

Right… Okay…

"She's my lobster?" he says instead.

"Yup!" She pats his shoulder then. "And you're hers!" And with that, she turns around, flops down on Artie's lap and wonders, "Do we have a Red Lobster in Lima, Artie?"

"You wanna go free them, don't you?"

She kisses his cheek, nuzzling it with her nose. "This is why you make me fuzzy."

As they rolled away, Puck stood there speechless. Well that was… weird.

"Noah?"

He turns then, seeing Rachel staring up at him. He looks past her shoulder but there's no creepy Kyle-the-Douche waiting. "Berry," he greets back.

Curiously, she asks, "Was there something Brittney and Artie needed?"

"Hm… Uh… No… They were just…" He half-grins, shaking his head. "They were telling me my future…"

"Your future?" Her brow wrinkles, and he really shouldn't think that's in any way cute.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he nods, and rocks forward on his feet. "Y'know what, Rach? When you're over Creepy Kyle, I'm gonna be waiting… And we can get fuzzy together."

Her mouth fell open, but she had no reply to his weird suggestion.

"Come on… I'll give you a ride home… I should get used to it. We're gonna be holdin' claws 'til we're old and covered in steak spots."

She stares at him funny before deciding, "You're a very unusual boy, Noah…"

It didn't stop her from hooking her arm through his, though.

"Whatever, B. You're stuck with me." He smirks. "I'm your freakin' lobster."

She looked up at him, her eyes all wide and shiny. "Oh, _Noah_…" she literally _gasps_. "That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me!"

He blinks. He really hopes she _knows _the lobster theory, or that's just _weird_. But whatever, 'coz she's like _happy _to be his lobster. And hell, maybe he can get Kyle out of the picture earlier than expected. He'd have to thank Brittney later… Maybe he'd give her tips on how to raid Red Lobster and free the little bastards. They deserved their happy ending too, he guesses.

[**End.**]


End file.
